Hunger Games: Disney Edition

Round One

District 1: Aladdin and Jasmine

                Aladdin’s street smarts are definitely a virtue, but the concrete jungle of Baghdad is nothing compared to the humid jungle setting he will face with Jasmine. Combined with her luxurious upbringing, and lacking a key blue ally, Aladdin and Jasmine barely make it off the pedestal and to the jungle alive.

District 2: Eric and Ariel

                If this were an ocean combat, there’d be no chance for most of the competition. Unfortunately, Ariel’s land legs aren’t as trusty as her old fins, and Eric’s lost in the dirt. They both go down before making it to the supply tent.

District 3: Tarzan and Jane

                An expert in the ways of the Jungle and in the fittest condition of a man, Tarzan easily scoops Jane up and into the trees.

District 4: Quazimodo and Esmeralda

                Quazi trips of the pedestal and Esmeralda thinks she’s supposed to be dancing. Dead before they get two feet away.

District 5: Shang and Mulan

                Expert Soldier enhanced with Wit and tempered by pragmatism, Shang and Mulan deftly make it to the weapons cache and steal away into the shadows of the Jungle.

District 6: Hercules and Megara

                Hercules strength and nigh-invulnerability make the launch of this Hunger Games a cakewalk. Megara and Herc make it to the weapons enclave and stock up before taking shelter in the woods to the south.

District 7: Prince Charming and Cinderella

                Lacking a horse, a rifle, and somehow missing a show, these two fare no better than Quazi and Esemralda. Axed before knowing what happened.

District 8: John Smith and Pocahontas

                Smith’s wartime bravado helps him gain a cache of arms before Pocahontas leads them to a very secure cove quite far away from the bulk of the fighting.

District 9: Milo and Kida

                Kida takes the spotlight from Milo on this one, arming up before pushing her clueless ally into the brush.

District 10: Naveen and Tiana

                Despite their adventures through the New Orleans voodoo culture, Naveen and Tiana don’t make it off the plate either.

District 11: Beast and Belle

                The Beast lets out a forbidding roar as the game begins,  and he and Belle manage to be the first team to the arms depot, stocking up and heading out just as quickly as they came.

District 12: The Prince and Snow White

                Scared to death by the Beast’s roar.

Round Two

District 1: Aladdin and Jasmine

                Aladdin’s street smarts do no good in the jungle, as expected. He and Jasmine are caught bickering over the best approach by Meg and Herc, who have somehow acquired a horse.

District 3: Tarzan and Jane

                Neither of these contenders have been seen since leaving the pedestals. Cries heard in the night begin to spread rumors that they have transformed into hellish beasts.

District 5: Shang and Mulan

                Shang and Mulan devise a cunning trap that lures Kida and Milo into their dooms.

District 6: Herc and Meg

                Somehow finding a horse in the middle of an isolated jungle, Hercules and Meg begin carelessly trampling through the battleground, killing Aladdin and Jasmine along the way.

District 8: John Smith and Pocahontas

                Cameras show John Smith and Pocahontas conspiring to wait out the games, allowing the other contenders to kill each other and minimize their own expenditures.

District 9: Milo and Kida

                While attempting to secure water for their rations, Milo and Kida are lured into a stealthy trap placed by Mulan and Shang. Their bodies end up impaled at the bottom of a pit by sharpened branches.

District 11: Beast and Belle

                While Beast begins strategizing about how best to confront their opponents, Belle sees his calm demeanor becoming his old rage. She unsuccessfully tries to soothe him with song and gets shot in the head by well-placed arrows from Mulan’s quiver. Beast attacks in revenge and is thrown off a cliff by a swinging trunk – Shang was in the shadows.

Round Three

District 3: Tarzan and Jane

                Their bloated remains are found by Hercules and Meg on day 4, the victims of tracker-jackers. Video records Jane’s curiosity getting the best of her.

District 6: Hercules and Megara

                Realizing no one has approached the weapons cache in a day, Hercules and Meg take shelter there, waiting for drops from their many fans.

District 8: John Smith and Pocahontas

                John Smith and Pocahontas come out of hiding to see if there are any other contenders remaining. They are promptly killed by Mulan and Sheng, pretending to be bushes next to their camp.

Round Four: District 5 vs. District 6

                Sheng and Mulan approach the weapons cache, having spotted Hercules mourning Meg’s death. Mulan remembers something about Greek myth, and shoots her last arrow at Herc’s heel. It bounces off because Hercules is not Achilles. Calmly, Herc chucks the ENTIRE WEAPONS DOME at Shang and Mulan, who run back into the Jungle. The dome cuts a swath through the trees and the Asian couple’s remains are found a day later: smashed against the perimeter wall twenty miles away.

Victor: Hercules and Megara.

The reason you don’t see Phillip and Aurora? Because after killing a fucking dragon they became last year’s Champions.